In my great and unmatched wisdom

TRAVERSE CITY — My favorite Trump tweet of the week was the one where he said that “in his great and unmatched wisdom” he was pulling troops out of northern Syria. Honestly, who, besides the Wizard of Oz, talks like that?

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, we will never have a more damaging – or entertaining – president, proving everybody has value.

In my great and unmatched wisdom, no matter what happens with impeachment, Trump is already the bar by which all future presidents will be judged. People will say, “Well, she/he’s bad … but not as bad as Trump.” Somewhere, Andrew Johnson and Dick Nixon are smiling.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, I say at least a small part of Trump’s brain thought – at least for a moment – that real kangaroos make up the kangaroo court he says the House impeachment committee has become. (He’s blocking his appointees from testifying because, hey, why not? Laws, schmaws.)

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, that kangaroo court should throw anybody who doesn’t testify in a jail cell until they do.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, the Rev. Pat Robertson, who said Trump is in danger of losing his “mandate from Heaven,” doesn’t have a clue what God thinks and shouldn’t pretend that he does. People who claim to have God’s ear are the kind of people who think kangaroos wear black robes.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, Trump shouldn’t worry about an impeachment on his resume, as some news reports say he is. If he ever works again, it’s probably going to be in the prison library, and they’re not that picky. (Oh, stop. It was a joke. Sort of.)

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, Facebook should stop sending me notices about “People I may know” because I never do.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, the most annoying commercial on TV is the one for an insurance company featuring a crabby half-man, half-motorcycle. Instant channel-switch. Good job, ad agency!

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, the study that says Good ‘N Plenty is Michigan’s favorite movie candy is full of it. Good ‘N Plenty’s wouldn’t make the top 100. Besides, everyone knows the best movie candies are (chocolate-based) Reese’s and (non-chocolate) Sour Patch Kids. (Please do not argue with me on this. You are wrong.)

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, the food podcaster who is calling for grocery stores to do away with the “ethnic foods” aisle, calling them the “last bastion of racism” in American retail, nailed it. I completely agree. Ethnic means subgroup. We’re all ethnic in this country. That’s the beauty of it. Unless you’re president of the United States.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, the forecasters saying parts of Michigan might see snow flurries should zip their stupid, lying lips. I don’t want to hear that. It’s way too early – MONTHS too early. If Mother Nature has other plans, I’d rather not know about them.

– In my great and unmatched wisdom, Michigan winters are harsher, start earlier and end later than ever before. And, yes, I blame climate change. Or a faulty memory. Or both.

– And, finally, in my great and unmatched wisdom, this is a really great quote to end this particularly silly column with: “Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain.

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.


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