Annie Lane

Annie: I am a 31-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. We’ve been talking about marriage for the past two — talking about it and talking about it. Every time it comes up, it’s positive. He tells me he can’t wait to marry me. But Annie, the proposal still has not come. I even asked him directly when he would be ready to take that step. His response? “Soon.” No timeline, no actual commitment. I don’t want to keep waiting around, especially because I want to start having children soon, but I’m not sure what else to do. — Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired of Waiting: Five years in, two years of “soon” — at some point, that word stops meaning anything.

You’ve already asked directly, so skip the hints and have a plain conversation: You want to be engaged by a specific date, and if that’s not something he can commit to, you need to know. Unlike his, your timeline isn’t flexible. Women who want children typically don’t have the luxury of waiting around for whenever their partner gets around to it.

Dear Annie: After my husband died two years ago, I became a very lonely widow. I also needed help with yard work and repairs around the house. Around that time, I reconnected with an old school friend I’d known for more than 30 years. His wife had also passed away, and he was lonely, too.

We agreed that he would live in a separate room in my home and help me around the house. Over time, we developed a close friendship. We’re both senior citizens (he’s 65 and I’m 66).

The problem is his drinking. There were several times when he’d drink and I’d have to call the police to calm things down. Afterward, he would bounce back, things would settle down and life would return to somewhat normal.

But this past weekend, he came home drunk as a skunk and started shouting at me, and we nearly got into a fistfight. I ran to my car, took off and called the police. He was later arrested for DUI. He has a long history of misdemeanor offenses and will have to do community service, but he won’t go to jail.

Since this last incident, he’s moved out and is staying with his son. He won’t speak to me or answer my calls or texts. The hard part is that somewhere along the way, we started falling in love. Now I’m sick and heartbroken, and I can’t stop crying.

Am I crazy for loving him? I’m an old softy with a big heart. Should I let him go and focus on building a life that doesn’t depend on him to ease my loneliness? — Brokenhearted Widow

Dear Brokenhearted Widow: You’re not crazy for loving him. The two of you found comfort and companionship when you both needed it most.

But love doesn’t erase reality. This man’s drinking has repeatedly brought chaos, fear and police into your life. Whether his alcohol problem started years ago or grew worse after his wife’s death, it’s not something you can fix for him. He has to stop drinking — no other choice.

If you want, send him a note letting him know you care about him and hope he’s doing well. Then let him be. The work he needs to do is his own.

Yes: Focus on yourself and building a life that doesn’t depend on another person to fill the lonely places. If he gets help and reaches out someday, you can decide then what role he should have in your future. Until then, choose peace and safety for yourself.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.