Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband has three children from his first marriage. For the first 20 years of us being married, everything was great. But the last 15 years have been hell with two of the children. They became super religious and political to the point they are always pushing their way of life on us.

We told them to stop, that we have our own religious and political beliefs and to please accept us for who we are, and we will be respectful of what they think. It’s been 14 years since and we’ve had no contact with them.

A few weeks ago, they popped up in a horrible way. I won’t go into detail, but it was disturbing, disrespectful and intrusive. How do we get them to stop and leave us alone? — Stressed Out With Stepchildren

Dear Stressed Out: Fourteen years of no contact is a boundary — and you’re entitled to keep it.

There’s no need to rehash old arguments or defend your beliefs. A clear, united message — “We are not interested in contact. Please respect our wishes” — is enough. Then don’t engage. No replies, no explanations.

If they continue to intrude, document everything and consider stronger measures, including legal ones if necessary, to protect your peace.

You can’t control their behavior, only your response. Sometimes the strongest response is no response.

Dear Annie: I know it’s bad manners to hijack conversations and engage in one-upmanship. What should my friends and I do about this situation?

Our high school group of friends gathers once a week. One person, “Bianca,” constantly has a story to tell about her children, her cooking skills, everything she has done the past week — and of course, she always surpasses anything the rest of us are capable of.

One lady was telling us about a dinner she made for her family. Bianca said she makes the dish such and such way and has made it for over 100 people. She’s always one-upping everyone else.

It doesn’t matter what any of us mention — she’s done it, and she’s done it better. Anything we talk about, she has a better way. She brags and brags. And we’re tired of her flaunting her wealth, not that she earned it herself; she’s never worked.

We’re not jealous. We are all comfortable in life; however, the nonsense never ends. Several of us, though not everyone in the group, have college degrees and have had professional careers. We certainly don’t feel superior to any of our fellow classmates. We just enjoy getting together. And if anyone new enters the group, we hear all her grandiose stories again.

Bianca’s daughters are perfect, and she gushes when she talks of them. I’ve met one of them, and I felt the girl was condescending and had a superiority complex. Bianca is a bore and ruins our get-togethers. When we go out to eat, she always sends her food back because no one can make any dish as well as she can.

We’re so sick of the public embarrassment. She’s so full of herself and hijacks conversations. She’s incapable of understanding or reading the body language and/or facial expressions of the rest of us when we’ve had enough, even when we sit and stare into space or exchange looks with one another. — Fed Up and Bored

Dear Fed Up and Bored: You’re right — one-upmanship is poor manners. But so is letting resentment simmer without ever addressing it.

Bianca may actually be oblivious, not malicious. Staring into space and exchanging glances clearly aren’t getting through, so it’s time for something more direct. One person in the group can pull her aside and say, gently, “We love getting together, but sometimes it feels like conversations turn into competitions. We’d really enjoy more back-and-forth with the group.”

In the moment, try steering the conversation instead of letting her drive. When she jumps in to top a story, saying, “That’s nice, Bianca — anyway, as I was saying…” sends a message without causing a scene.

If nothing changes, you may need to limit your interactions to smaller doses. Friendship should feel enjoyable, not exhausting.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.