Resolutions you have to make
TRAVERSE CITY — This is the time when people start to ask, “Should I make any resolutions for the New Year?”
It’s a ridiculous question. Of COURSE you should make resolutions. You’re a hot mess. Based on how often you annoy me with your behavior, you need to make lots and lots of resolutions, and the sooner the better. What the heck are you waiting for?
The problem, of course, is human beings are terrible at recognizing their own shortcomings, which is why each year I helpfully put together a starter list of resolutions for you to make. (No need to thank me. But you can if you want.)
If you recognize yourself on this list, please resolve to stop this behavior immediately. If you don’t recognize yourself, don’t think you’re not an annoyance to mankind. You are. We all are, except for me. It’s just that I ran out of space before getting to your particular bad behavior. So please do a little self-examination to identify — then change — your worst tendencies, OK? Great. Thanks.
For 2019, you should resolve to:
– Stop double-pronouncing letters in words. I think generational differences are overstated but I’ve only ever heard millennials say things like “supermark-ket” like it’s two separate words. Stop it. It’s not supermark-ket. It’s supermarket. One k. It’s not bing-go. It’s just bingo. One g. You’re not bring-ging something to the party. You’re just bringing it. See what I mean? Good. Now knock it off.
– Stop ending sentences with a rising tone. Younger millennials, in particular, do this. I wish this were an audio column so I could show you. But it’s not so if you haven’t noticed this before, I assure you, you will now. Sorry about that.
– Stop buying enormous pickup trucks and SUVs if you are not capable of politely driving and parking enormous pickup trucks and SUVs. Because your vehicle is twice the size of mine doesn’t mean you get to use half of my lane or take up two parking spots, OK? If you can’t keep your aircraft carrier in your allotted lane or space then you shouldn’t be allowed to own one.
– Stop ceaselessly ting-ting-tinging your spoon around the inside of your coffee mug like you’re performing the triangle part for the New York Philharmonic. One quick swirl is all it takes to blend your cream and sugar into the coffee. Do that and move on.
– Stop voting for third party candidates and politicians who promise to run government like it’s a business. It’s not. And third party candidates are third-party candidates for a reason. You’re not “protesting” against the major party candidates when you vote for the women running from the Banana Slug Party. You’re voting for someone who believes in … banana slugs. That’s it. That’s all.
– While I’m on the subject and this is Michigan, please stop believing that fairies fix the roads. Fixing and building roads costs money. And that money doesn’t come from a pot at the end of the rainbow. It comes from you. If you want better roads, you’re going to have to pay for them. This is not a difficult concept.
– Stop acting all smug and superior like you, and you alone, know everything and everyone else is a blithering idiot bent on inconveniencing or annoying you.
Man, don’t you hate when people do that?
Happy New Year. (And, seriously, don’t do that stuff I mentioned.)
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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him via email at email@example.com.