Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ve been happily married for 18 years, and for most of that time I’ve slept poorly — but lately it’s become unbearable. My husband falls asleep within minutes and snores loudly and steadily through the night. I lie awake listening, nudging him, turning him onto his side, putting in earplugs, rearranging pillows and counting the hours until morning. Nothing works for long.

By the time the alarm goes off, I’m exhausted and irritable, while he wakes up refreshed and cheerful. I know he’s not doing this on purpose, but I can feel resentment creeping in anyway.

I’ve suggested doctors, nasal strips and other remedies, but he brushes them off because he sleeps just fine. I don’t want to make this a bigger issue than it needs to be, and I really don’t want separate bedrooms; it feels like admitting some kind of failure after all these years.

How do couples handle sleep problems like this without hurting each other or the marriage? — Awake and Alone

Dear Awake and Alone: Chronic sleep deprivation is not a small matter, and it’s not petty.

The problem here isn’t snoring. It’s that you’re paying the price while your husband shrugs because he isn’t. That’s what needs addressing.

Tell him plainly: “I’m not sleeping, and it’s affecting my health and well-being. I need us to treat this as our problem.” A loving spouse will hear the urgency.

Separate bedrooms are not a marital failure; they’re a practical solution many strong couples use. But if that feels like too big a leap, insist — kindly but firmly — on medical evaluation. Snoring can signal other issues, and ignoring it because one person sleeps fine is not fair.

You’re not asking for perfection. You’re asking for rest. That’s a reasonable request.

Dear Annie: My name is Rosalynn. Growing up, my family called me Rosie. I never minded it, but once I left home, I started going by Rosa, which I felt seemed better suited to the working world and adulthood.

For years, I’ve signed all cards and emails “Rosa.” However, all my family has continued to call me Rosie, and the truth is, I absolutely hate it. It’s just not a name I associate myself with at all anymore. I’d love it if my family would call me Rosa, but I’ve not said anything to them because it almost feels like an insult to my parents to tell them I don’t like the name they chose to call me.

Should I bring this up with them? And if so, how can I do it graciously? — What’s in a Name

Dear What’s in a Name: Yes, you can and should bring it up. Wanting to be called by the name you choose doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your parents or your past. It simply reflects who you are now and the woman you’ve become.

Keep it light and positive. A simple, “I’ve started going by Rosa. It feels more like me these days,” is perfect. You don’t need to justify it or make a big to-do. Change takes time, so be patient and gently correct your loved ones when they slip.

Your name may have changed, but you’re still the same person underneath it — just a little more grown-up, independent and sure of yourself.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.