FLINT — A new report says 20 percent of Michigan’s state-maintained roads are in poor condition. I think I speak for 110 percent of all Michigan drivers when I say “Ha ha ha.” Twenty percent is about 60 percentage points shy of the truth. I’m convinced the people who do these studies either don’t live here or fly to work.

– Nasty little truth: We could have better roads if — shocking concept dead ahead — we paid more in taxes. Just saying. Until then, well, don’t gripe. (I can gripe because I am willing to pay more. It’s called the collective good.)

– I had one of those “You know you live in Michigan” moments mid-week when I was simultaneously thinking about tuning the mower to cut the grass this weekend and gassing up the snow blower for Thursday’s snow. The state Legislature should do something useful for a change (rather than, say, making it even easier to walk around armed) and ban winter weather after April 1.

– (Me, checking my watch) Hey, America, are we done yet with man buns, porkpie hats and lumberjack beards?

– Someone anonymously returned a book to a New Jersey library that was 50 years overdue. You can see why they didn’t want to do it in person. “Here’s your book back.” “And here’s your $64 million overdue book fine and four hour stern lecture.”

– Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said the U.S. will have “no comment” on the latest North Korean missile launch. Of course he might have been stalling until he locates North Korean on a map, North Korea not being a major oil producer. Someone get this guy a copy of “The Interview,” which, by the way, was an underrated comedy that also has one of the best tank scenes (as in Army tanks) ever. (I’m a big fan of tanks, particularly the World War II variety. When I was commuting for a living, I wished for a Sherman tank every single day.)

– So why is calling liberals “snowflakes” suddenly the “in” insult for conservative trolls? Explain, please.

– A man in Massachusetts is suing a Dunkin’ Donuts for serving him a butter substitute for his bagel when he asked for real butter. Sounds trivial on the surface, but margarine is awful, awful stuff. So, go, cranky dude, go.

– Some people say The Masters is the true start of spring. Not so. The true start of spring is when I take my first nap of the long season while watching the Tigers on TV. That moment has yet to happen. But it’s coming.

– My lawn’s a wreck this spring, and I’d use a lawn service but the last one I used over-communicated with me to the point where I wanted to pave over the yard. Look, people, I don’t want a relationship. I just want a lawn service, OK?

– Have you ever once read a teaser headline online that lived up to its billing? Me either. And yet I’m frequently drawn in, most recently on one that promised “horrifying” submarine photos of the Titanic. There, of course, was nothing even remotely horrifying. Nor interesting. But I clicked through 40 photos anyway. Dummy.

– “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” – George Washington.

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him via email at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.