Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I married my best friend 19 years ago, but we have known each other for nearly 40. Our shared history runs deep. We have weathered life’s highs and lows together, raised children, supported each other through illnesses, job changes and the inevitable challenges of growing older. In many ways, our bond is strong and steady.

However, about three years ago, our physical intimacy came to a complete stop. There were some health issues and other factors at play at the time, and I tried to be understanding. But now, years later, nothing has changed. She seems completely content with the way things are. I have gently brought it up a few times, but she brushes it off or changes the subject.

I am in my early 70s, and she is in her late 60s. I understand that physical relationships evolve over time, but I cannot shake the feeling that something vital is missing. It is not just about the act itself; it is about feeling wanted, connected and emotionally close. Without that part of our relationship, I find myself pulling away in other areas, too. I feel lonelier in this marriage than I ever expected to feel.

Am I wrong to feel discouraged by the loss of intimacy, or is this simply part of growing older together? I do not want to hurt her, and I do not want to betray our commitment, but I also do not want to live out the rest of my life feeling emotionally disconnected.

I would love to hear your thoughts. — Disillusioned

Dear Disillusioned: You are not wrong for feeling what you feel. Intimacy is not just physical; it is also emotional. And when that closeness fades, it can leave a very real void, even in the most loving and long-standing relationships.

It sounds like your marriage has a solid foundation built on decades of friendship, trust and shared experiences. That kind of bond is rare and meaningful. But even the strongest partnerships need tending, especially when something as personal and important as intimacy begins to fade.

Many couples experience shifts in physical connection as they age. Hormonal changes, health issues, medication and stress can all play a role. But growing older does not have to mean giving up on closeness, affection or emotional connection. The key is communication not just about sex but also about your needs, your loneliness and your desire to feel emotionally present with your partner again.

If you have not done so already, find a quiet time to speak honestly with your wife. Tell her you miss the intimacy, not just the physical aspect but the emotional connection that comes with it. Express your feelings without blame. You might also consider couples counseling with someone experienced in working with older adults. A neutral third party can help you both open up in ways that feel safe and constructive.

You are not asking for too much. Wanting to feel close, wanted and emotionally seen is a human need, no matter your age.

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