Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for nearly 39 years. He has always had a tendency to put himself first — even before our sons, and now even our toddler grandson — but I’m at my wits’ end over his latest act of selfishness.

His only sister recently suffered a traumatic fall. She was airlifted to a trauma center with a fractured skull and brain injury. Thankfully, she’s expected to make a full recovery, but she spent several weeks in a rehab facility and now continues outpatient therapy from home.

I’ve been there for her and my brother-in-law from the start — taking care of their dogs, visiting regularly, sending encouraging texts, cooking, doing small chores and providing mobility aids. I love them dearly. They are my family, too, and I couldn’t imagine doing anything less.

But my husband? He has done absolutely nothing. No visits. No texts. No calls. Not even a get-well card. When his sister asked me why he hadn’t reached out, I didn’t know what to say. She just shrugged and said, “That’s just Alex being Alex,” but I know she’s deeply hurt.

When I asked him why he hasn’t visited, he said he doesn’t like hospitals. But she’s home now! When I asked if he’d even called or sent a card, he replied, “I’m busy.”

Her recovery continues, but so does my frustration. Their parents passed away over a decade ago. She is his only sibling. I’m heartbroken for her and angry at him.

How do I care for her emotional well-being while managing my growing resentment toward his behavior? — At My Wits’ End

Dear Wits’ End: Your husband may not like hospitals, but his sister is no longer in one — and he has no excuse now beyond pure selfishness. You’ve carried the emotional and physical load for both of them, and you’re right to feel exhausted and disappointed.

Sadly, not everyone is wired for empathy or service, even when family is involved. His lack of response says far more about him than it does about you or his sister. But here’s the part that matters: you showed up. You stepped in with love, grace and action when it counted. That is what she will remember.

As for your husband, you can’t force a grown man to grow a conscience. But you can tell him, plainly and without drama, that his absence has hurt his sister deeply and embarrassed you. Don’t expect a sudden transformation, but plant the seed. Sometimes, people need to be held accountable — even by those closest to them.

Meanwhile, continue being the warm, reliable presence your sister-in-law needs. Your compassion is the bridge his apathy burned.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.