Moments in U.S. history

TRAVERSE CITY — The Trump-Putin bromance continued last week. Trump, who briefly chatted with Putin at an economic summit, was asked by reporters if Putin had said anything about Russian meddling in last year’s U.S. presidential election. Trump’s response: “Every time he sees me he says I didn’t do that, and I really believe that when he tells me that, he means it. I think he is very insulted by it, which is not a good thing for our country.”

Which got me wondering what it would have been like if he’d been president at other moments in U.S. history.

President Trump in 2001: “I talked to that Osama bin Laden guy and he told me he had nothing to do with those planes flying into those buildings. And I believe him — why would he lie? He figures — and I think he might be onto something — that maybe the pilots ate some bad food. You know how bad airline food can be, right? We’re playing golf next week in Dubai, by the way. Nice fella.”

President Trump in 1962: “Premiere Khrushchev assures me the Soviet Union isn’t behind those missiles in Cuba. Which when you think about it makes sense. I mean, Cuba is an island. Surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. And the Soviet Union is way around the other side of the world. Why would they go to all that trouble? It doesn’t add up. I told Nikita that and he smiled. Which is good. We want him smiling, right? When will all the haters and fools out there realize that having a good relationship with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing?”

President Trump in 1941: “Relax, everybody. I called Emperor Tojo after the Pearl Harbor attack and he assured me Japan had nothing to do with it. So I guess that’s settled.”

President Trump in 1876: “So I met with that Crazy Horse fellow and, boy, he is so steamed, you can’t imagine how steamed, by that Little Bighorn thing. As you know, that’s on his land, and he assures me he’s going to find the killers if it’s the last thing he does. So that’s good to know. He thinks they might have been Muslims. Or maybe ANTIFA.”

President Trump in 1776: “So I told Adams and Jefferson, are we sure this Declaration of Independence thing is a good idea? Are we being rash here? Because I gotta say, I just got a letter from King George and he said he didn’t order any tea or stamp taxes, so it was probably a clerical error. He assured me he’ll figure out what went wrong and get back to me next year. So maybe we should hold off for now. What’s the rush, right?”

Thank god for term limits.

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him via email at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.


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