FLINT – February is the worst month. I’m sick of winter. Spring seems an eternity away. Everything puts me in a bad mood. Especially TV commercials. I don’t know why. They just do. I find myself talking back to the TV saying things like “Good grief, lady, I don’t want to hear about your leakage problem” and “Who the hell does your animation, Rock Auto, kindergartners?”

No commercial, though, has bugged me more than the one for Emirates Airline – the one with Jennifer Aniston wandering around the plane in a robe holding a loofah looking for the shower. Have you seen this thing? It’s annoying beyond belief. C’mon, no airline I fly has a shower. I’m lucky the airlines I fly have a bathroom. The last trip I was on was the worst. The bathroom floor had a hole in it with a red arrow pointing to it: “Aim here!” You could see clouds, it was terrifying. Although I do think I hit a bird last time. That was an enjoyable switch.

Who the heck wants to shower on an airline anyway? I’m not getting naked on an airline, are you? I don’t want people picturing me naked as I walk to the shower either. You know they would. And how good could the shower be? Have you seen the trickle that comes out of the faucet when you’re just trying to wash your hands? A shower would take three days. And if it’s a woman in there, add another three hours for the hair and the makeup. You think you wait a long time now for the bathroom now, just wait until they add showers

And what about the jostling? I have to brace myself between two walls now just so I can finish my business. Can you imagine trying to stand in a shower washing your hair? You’d be flying all over the place. Maybe they let you buzz the captain from a little intercom in there: “Hey, I’m trying to shampoo here, could you hold her steady for a minute?”

Also, I shave in the shower. One jolt of turbulence at the wrong time and someone’s gonna have to clean up what looks like a crime scene, let me tell you. No, thank you. Not me. I’ll fly grubby, thank you very much.

This is what bugs me most about it, though: How filthy rich do you have to be to fly on an airline with a shower? Pretty damned rich is what I think. They should just call it 1 Percenter Airlines and be done with it. Jealous? Heck, yeah! Like I said, I don’t fly airlines with showers. The airlines I fly:

– Are one step away from putting in straps and poles for you to hold onto subway-style. “Seats? Yeah, those’ll cost extra.”

– Have windows that open so you can stick your arms out and flap – kind of like a Viking ship, only with arms instead of oars. It’s OK, though. They give you 10 percent off because they save on fuel.

– Charge you for a cup of ice. That’s not even a joke. They really do. These are cheap, cheap airlines. I’m waiting for the day when they start charging for life jackets and oxygen masks. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve had a loss of cabin pressure. Please put the oxygen mask over your face and pull the cord gently to begin the flow of complimentary oxygen, which will expire in 15 seconds, which should give you plenty of time to swipe your credit card for more.”

– Clearly employ sadists. What else explains why they put the rows so close together? The last row I sat in was clearly designed for people without thighs. If my knees came directly out of my abdomen, I’d have fit fine. But they don’t, so I was screwed. By the time the flight was over I couldn’t walk. They had to wheel me off.

By the way, in that same commercial, Jen-Jen is also looking for the walk-up bar they apparently have on Emirates flights, complete with bartender.Now that’s an idea I can get behind. I’d use an airline bar. If for no other reason than it would take my mind off my damned knees.

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press.