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Dear Annie: I walked away from a 50-plus-year friendship. I’ve known “Ralph,” his wife and his kids since the late-1970s. We both worked construction. We never had a deep friendship; most men from the boomer generation don’t. Ralph has a sense of humor that others would say is off-putting, including uncomfortable joking, but we went through similar circumstances at different times.
A group of three to five of us construction guys used to meet for lunch on Saturdays. One Saturday, during the usual discussions of yesteryear, I finished sharing my thoughts and looked over to Ralph, who said directly to me, “That’s because you’re a useless loser.”
I couldn’t believe he’d said it. I waited for the typical boomer gen’s half-cracked smile signifying he was just kidding, but it never came. One guy at lunch said he didn’t hear it; the other looked at me with the same disbelief. Ralph just stared back deadpan.
I got up to go to the men’s room, looked in the mirror, then walked back to the table and tossed down some money to cover lunch. Ralph made another flippant comment: “Oh, you’re buying lunch.” I thought, “What the heck?” Ralph never lets anyone buy lunch. We all offer, and his reply is to toss out a $100 bill and tell us to get the tip. I said I had to go and left.
That was two years ago. I never went back and cut off all contact. A few weeks after the incident, Ralph’s wife texted to see if all was OK. I replied, “All good.”
For the past 15 years, I’ve been a home health caregiver to my mother. The past two years were rough, and she passed away in March. I’ve yet to receive a call from anyone in that group. Imagine that — 50-plus years as friends and all he had to say to me was that I’m a “useless loser.” — Good Riddance in California
Dear Good Riddance: “Off-putting” is right. Even if this kind of comment isn’t unusual for Ralph, being called a “useless loser” by a friend still stings. And two years without a word from him since is pretty telling.
You could’ve been honest when his wife reached out instead of saying everything was “all good.” But Ralph could’ve picked up the phone at any point, too. He hasn’t.
If you want an explanation, call and ask him what that day was about. If not, don’t. You don’t owe a 50-year friendship another 50 years simply because of its history.
And I’m sorry about your mother. You deserved to have friends around when you needed them most. You sound like a thoughtful and gracious man — certainly not a “useless loser.” You said it best: good riddance.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.