Trending
Dear Annie: I have been married to a dear man for more than 40 years, but for much of that time, I have felt as though we are not really a team.
My husband can be very kind in practical ways. He will happily run errands, fix things around the house and do small tasks for me. But when I truly need his support, especially during stressful or important situations, he often disappears emotionally. He does not defend me when it matters, and if I ask him to help with something difficult, even something he is experienced and qualified to handle, he may simply say, “I want nothing to do with it,” and leave me to manage alone.
Communication between us is also exhausting. I often have to explain and reexplain myself several times before he understands what I mean. Small conversations can turn into long, frustrating exchanges, and he becomes angry easily, sometimes over very little. He does not like being corrected and has made it clear that he does not believe he needs to change.
When I try to talk about our problems, his response is often, “I am not going to change.”
Because of all this, we have lived separately for roughly half of our marriage, and our relationship has been without physical intimacy for most of those years. Yet he remains very committed to staying married.
After more than four decades, I keep asking myself the same question: At what point do I stop hoping things will improve and accept that it may be time to walk away? — Wondering When Enough Is Enough
Dear Wondering: Forty years is a long time to keep hoping someone will become the partner you need him to be.
Your husband may be a good man but is falling short of a good husband. A thriving marriage requires more than running errands or handiwork around the house. It requires communication, support, respect and a willingness from both people to work on what is hurting the relationship.
Before making the decision of whether to stay or leave, talk to a marriage counselor, even if you go alone at first. Counseling may help you decide whether there is anything left to rebuild or whether you have simply been carrying this marriage by yourself for too long.
You cannot force him to change. The question now is whether you can be happy if he never does.
Dear Annie: I have a good friend who is constantly canceling plans at the last minute. She always has a reason, and I try to be understanding, but it’s gotten to the point where I hesitate to make plans with her at all. I rearrange my schedule, look forward to seeing her, and then get a text an hour before saying she can’t come.
I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I’m tired of feeling like my time doesn’t matter. Should I say something or simply stop making plans? — Tired of Waiting
Dear Tired: Say something kindly. A good friendship should have room for honesty.
Tell her you care about her but that the last-minute cancellations are frustrating. Then stop rearranging your life around uncertain plans. Friendship requires flexibility, but it shouldn’t require keeping your calendar permanently on standby.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.