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Dear Annie: I’ve been married only a few short years. My husband and I used to go out and have fun; we’d do things like day trips to the beach or going out to eat, just to get out of the house.
Over the past few years, he has decided that his favorite pastime is sitting on the sofa. If I mention going somewhere, he comes up with an excuse: it’s too hot, gas is too expensive, he’s tired. Or if he agrees to go somewhere, he will cancel when the time comes to go, usually with one of the above-mentioned excuses.
However, if it’s something he wants to do, he can’t get there quickly enough. Suddenly he has found an abundance of energy, he can deal with the heat, and he can get off work early and stay out late.
It’s also gotten to where I feel like I’m talking to myself. I try to carry on a conversation with him, and he just sits and stares straight ahead. He won’t respond to conversational questions. He can’t even be bothered to say yes, no or I don’t know. He has never once even asked me how my day went. I’ve told him how I feel, but it does no good.
We both work full time, and when our days off coincide, I want to hang out with him like we used to. We are still fairly young and in good health (he works out all the time), and I’d like to take advantage of that while we are still able. We are financially in a good place, not rich by any means but not necessarily struggling, so lack of money is not an excuse. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel so alone. -- Lonely Partner
Dear Lonely Partner: You’ve already told him how you feel, so stop waiting on his mood. Plan your days off as you’d like to enjoy them, and then extend him an invitation to join. Don’t put them on hold for his excuses.
The silence is the heavier issue. It might be checked-out disinterest, but it might also be something more serious, such as depression. Either way, you should ask him directly if something’s going on. If he’s willing to see a counselor, individually or together, that gives you something to work with. If he isn’t, that might tell you something, too.
Dear Annie: I’ve known one of my clients, who has a physical disability, for over 20 years. Four years ago, I started cleaning his house.
Recently, I’ve noticed that he’s stopped showering, and I don’t think he’s eating very well, either. His family brings him good food, but he lets it rot and eats frozen or packaged foods instead. His skin looks a little gray, and the house is starting to smell.
His siblings bring him the food he doesn’t eat, though I don’t know them or how involved they are otherwise. I have his father’s phone number, but he’s in his 80s, and I’m not sure how much he could do to help his son.
Any ideas on how to handle this? -- Concerned Cleaner
Dear Concerned Cleaner: After 20 years, you know this man well enough to recognize when something isn’t right. Trust that instinct.
Tell him gently what you’ve noticed and ask if he’s feeling OK or needs help. He may be embarrassed, so lead with concern, not criticism.
If you’re still worried, ask to contact a sibling, his father or someone else he trusts. These changes could mean something much more serious is happening, so don’t be afraid to involve someone closer to him who can help.
You’re looking out for someone you care about. It’s better to speak up now than to wish you had later.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.