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Dear Annie: I recently had another unpleasant encounter with my 13-year-old granddaughter, and this time we both ended up yelling. What began as a simple conversation quickly turned into hateful answers, a bad attitude and her refusal to speak to me in a respectful or pleasant way.
Unfortunately, this has become a pattern. I have tried to be patient and understanding, especially because I know 13 can be a difficult age, but I am finding the constant disrespect harder and harder to tolerate.
Her father, my son, tells me he feels helpless. He says he has practically given up trying to discipline her because he and his wife cannot agree on consequences or present a united front. Her mother tends to give in, and from my perspective, doesn’t seem to recognize how serious some of these behaviors have become. She struggles with issues of her own, including overspending and holding on to far too many things, and I worry that my granddaughter is beginning to imitate some of those habits.
The whole situation has also affected my relationship with my son. I love him and want to remain close to him, but I don’t know how to do that when there is so much tension in his household.
At 76, I want to enjoy a loving relationship with all of my grandchildren. I don’t expect perfect behavior, but I do expect basic respect. With this granddaughter, I feel as though every attempt at conversation ends in hostility.
After our latest argument, I decided I simply cannot do this anymore. My nerves cannot take another confrontation, and I have told myself that I will have no further conversations or relationship with her until her behavior changes.
But now I wonder if completely stepping away is the right answer. How can I protect myself from being treated disrespectfully without giving up on my granddaughter altogether? And how can I maintain a relationship with my son when his family situation is causing so much pain? — Disappointed and Hurt in North Carolina
Dear Disappointed and Hurt in North Carolina: You are allowed to expect respect, but try not to make a permanent decision in the heat of a painful moment. Thirteen can be a difficult age, and your granddaughter is testing her boundaries of what she can get away with.
Try not to react so much in the heat of the moment and get into arguments. Stay calm and protect your relationship with her. You are the adult in the relationship. Keep your interactions as kind and calm as you can. Let your son handle the parenting issues in his own home.
You don’t have to accept bad behavior, but leaving the door open may matter more than you realize. Sometimes the child who pushes us away the hardest still needs to know we’re there.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.