Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Hopefully you can help me. I’ve read your column for years. My two kids are adults and have kids of their own, and they have always gotten along. However, last Thanksgiving, my son and his family decided not to stay when they found out my granddaughter was there.

My granddaughter is gay and was recently married last fall to her partner. My son isn’t religious at all, but he follows his wife’s lead, and she is very Catholic. Both of them think that if they spend time with gay people, it will somehow hurt their children. They don’t want to expose their kids to my granddaughter’s lifestyle.

I was crushed beyond belief, and my son and daughter have not spoken since. I don’t know how to handle family gatherings. Do I invite them both? One or the other? How do people handle this? — Troubled Mom

Dear Troubled Mom: What happened at your table was painful — but clarifying.

Your granddaughter is not a “lifestyle.” She is your family. Her marriage deserves the same respect as anyone else’s at that table. If your son and his wife cannot offer that basic decency, then the problem is not where to seat them; it’s whether they should be there at all.

You don’t solve this by splitting the difference. You solve it by standing by what you believe.

Tell your son, without any anger, that all are welcome in your home — but only if they can treat one another with kindness and respect.

It’s not about punishing him; it’s about protecting your granddaughter from being treated like she’s something less than welcome at her own family table.

Dear Annie: My coworker “Lila” and I started at our company the same month five years ago. We used to eat lunch together daily, but over the past year she’s become increasingly competitive. She withholds information on shared projects, “forgets” to copy me on emails and recently presented one of my ideas in a meeting without mentioning my name.

Last week, when our boss praised the project, Lila smiled and said, “It was a team effort,” but never acknowledged me directly. Outside of work, we still hang out like nothing’s changed.

I’m starting to feel taken advantage of, but the slights are subtle enough that I’m wondering if I’m imagining them. Do I confront her or just quietly distance myself? — Colleague, Not Competitor

Dear Colleague: Don’t stew and don’t retreat. Address it once, calmly and directly. Name the behavior that bothers you and don’t attack her character: “When my work isn’t credited, it puts me in a difficult position.”

Then, adjust. Copy your boss when appropriate and protect your contributions.

You don’t need to make an enemy. Just stop being an easy target.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.