Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I think my partner is slipping away from me, and I do not know how to reach for her without breaking both our hearts.

My wife, “Laura,” is 68. We have been together for 40 years. She has always been the organized one. When the kids were young, she could tell you where every permission slip, tax form and missing sock lived in our house. She balanced the checkbook down to the penny and never forgot a birthday.

In the last year, something has changed. At first it was little things. She started misplacing her keys and glasses constantly. We would laugh and say, “Well, we are getting older,” and move on. But it has slowly stopped being funny.

A few months ago, she got lost driving to our grandson’s school, a route she has taken dozens of times. She called me from a parking lot in tears, saying the streets “didn’t look right” anymore. She repeats the same question three or four times in an evening and then gets defensive if I gently remind her she already asked. Last week, I found the stove burner still on, hours after she finished cooking.

Bills that she has always handled are going unpaid. She missed a dentist appointment she was sure she had written down. She insists we talked about things that I know we didn’t, and sometimes she looks at me with a kind of panic, as if she is trying to grab a word or memory that is slipping away just out of reach.

When I say I’m concerned, she shuts down. She says, “I’m just tired,” or “Everyone forgets things” and then changes the subject. I am terrified that this is the beginning of dementia, but I also feel guilty, like I am betraying her even thinking that.

I do not know how to help her without making her feel broken or less than. I am scared of what a diagnosis might mean for both of us, and yet I am even more scared of doing nothing.

How do I face the possibility that the person I love is changing in this way, and what on earth am I supposed to do next? — Watching Her Slip Away

Dear Watching: Your heart is in exactly the right place. You’re not betraying your wife by noticing these changes. You’re loving her by refusing to ignore them.

Getting lost on familiar roads, repeating questions, unpaid bills and leaving the stove on are not just little slips. They’re signs that something is going on. It might be early dementia, but it could also be something treatable, like a vitamin deficiency, medication issue or depression. You will not know until a doctor looks.

The next step is a medical evaluation. Ask her to see her primary care doctor, and offer to go with her. Before the visit, write down specific examples so you’re not relying on the sole fact that she seems forgetful. Keep the focus on care: “I love you, and I want to make sure we are not missing something that could be helped.”

If she refuses, contact her doctor yourself to share what you are seeing. The doctor may not be able to tell you everything, but they can listen.

And please get support for yourself as well. Caregiver groups and dementia organizations can offer both practical tips and a place to put your fear.

Whatever the diagnosis, the love you’ve built over 40 years is still real. Right now, loving her means speaking up and getting help, one step at a time.

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“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.