Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 28 years, and I’m starting to feel like my husband doesn’t love me as much anymore as he once did.

We talk and get along, but it feels like we are more friends instead of lovers. We used to make love all the time. But since we moved in with his dad to take care of him, I’m lucky if we make love once a week. And when we do, it’s not the same. It feels rushed and like he’s in a hurry to finish.

Am I just overthinking and overreacting? — Lonely in Love

Dear Lonely: You’re not overreacting; you’re simply noticing a shift in your marriage and longing for the closeness you once had.

Caring for an aging parent is noble but draining, so it makes sense that intimacy has shifted to the back burner. But that doesn’t mean it’s bound to stay that way forever. Talk to your husband. Tell him you miss him, not just sexually, but emotionally, too. A good couples counselor can support you both in getting the conversation going. The flame is still there. Now you two just need to work to reignite the fire.

Dear Annie: I was a single mom to my beautiful, autistic daughter for the first eight years of her life. I am now 43. My uncle had autism, so I know it runs in the family. When she was 3, COVID hit, and I became overwhelmed in a small apartment with her. I contacted her father and let him start visiting us every weekend.

I learned that he was very privileged and still lived with his parents — in a much better neighborhood by the beach and near better schools for our daughter. My parents passed away a long time ago, and I severed ties with the rest of my family a while ago, too. I let her father take custody, and she’s loved by him and his parents. She means everything to them, and I couldn’t be happier.

She has every luxury I couldn’t offer her and a big family to love her. I guess it’s what I wanted as a kid, but I grew up very poor. There was never anything special for me in my family. Even a couple of birthdays went by without my family noticing. I was teased for being poor, too.

Now, my daughter cries for me when I visit. I can’t think that I made a mistake. On one hand, I know she deserves a mother, and on the other, if I stay away, I’m securing her future financially. I’m afraid that my involvement with my daughter will hurt her future, but I don’t want her to feel abandoned in the meantime.

Is stepping back for a time stepping away from the equation? — Puzzled Mom in Utah

Dear Puzzled Mom: Being a good parent isn’t just about school districts or bank accounts; it’s about consistency, love and showing up no matter what. Her father may be able to give her monetary support you can’t, but she only has one mom, you. She obviously loves and misses you — it’s why she cries for you when you leave.

Your current custody arrangement doesn’t erase your place in her life. Stepping back now will only hurt you both. Staying involved however you can — phone calls, visits, letters — will assure her that you love her and she has both of her parents in her corner.

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