Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I wonder if you could shed some light on something that’s been bothering me.

I have five girlfriends I’ve been close with for many years. I keep their secrets, I don’t talk behind their backs, and I’ve always treated them with respect. As we’ve gotten older and more serious about our lives, we each began moving out on our own, getting engaged and getting married.

When I got engaged, my fiance did it in a very big way. I was taken by surprise, and he even arranged for someone to film it. I was very excited to share the DVD of our engagement with my friends, but the day I brought it over, nobody bothered to watch the whole thing.

Over the years, I’ve been very generous, buying these women gifts and/or giving money at their weddings. And still, none of them have ever asked me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t realize how much that hurt until it was my turn to get married. I asked one of them to be my maid of honor, but because it was a destination wedding, she couldn’t, and I completely understood that. Still, none of them even gave me a shower gift, which upset me after all the money I’ve spent on them.

The five of us have been friends for more than eight years. I’ve spent hours on the phone listening to their heartaches, and I thought our bond was stronger than this. A good friend of mine from school who is outside this group told me she thinks they’re jealous since I was the first to move out and graduate from school, and I’ve always had a bit more financially than the others. But I can’t accept that answer. We’ve been too close for that.

I appreciate your advice to others, and I hope you can help me. — Perplexed in the East

Dear Perplexed: You’ve been generous with your time, money and heart, so of course it hurts to feel like it’s not being reciprocated. But true friendship isn’t measured in gifts or grand gestures. It’s measured in consistency and trust — who shows up and how.

Based on your letter, these women aren’t showing up for you. That doesn’t mean they don’t care at all, but you’re clearly on different pages. Perhaps their priorities have changed as you’ve gotten older; maybe there really is some jealousy at play. Whatever the reason, you can keep pouring energy into this group and feeling slighted, or you can prioritize investing in relationships that fill your cup.

Dear Annie: I really enjoy your column and read it daily. I’ve gotten a lot of insight from reading about other people’s lives and your words of wisdom to them.

As a hair stylist for over 35 years, I often offer a listening ear, too. My clients share many personal concerns and life stories with me. One thing I have always shared with them is to reverse the situation. When in doubt, what would you do or say if you were in xyz’s shoes? When you reflect on that, oftentimes the answer you’re looking for is right in front of you.

Keep up the good work! — A Friend From Michigan

Dear Friend: I couldn’t agree more. You’re right, perspective changes everything. That’s why I so often preach the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. A little compassion goes a long way, and it’s advice that never wears out.

Your clients are lucky to have you — as a stylist and a sounding board!

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.