Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’m a 36-year-old woman who’s always been the “go-to” friend for emotional support. I don’t mind being there for people — I genuinely care — but lately it’s starting to wear me down.

My closest friend, “Julia,” has been going through a tough time with her marriage for the past year. I’ve spent countless hours on the phone with her, listening, offering advice and even rearranging my schedule when she’s had a breakdown. At first, I felt honored she trusted me so much. But she never even takes my advice! What is she going to me for guidance for if she’s not even going to listen?!

Plus, if I ever try to share something I’m struggling with, the conversation somehow circles back to her.

If I don’t respond right away to a message, she sends follow-ups. I’ve started to feel anxious every time my phone buzzes. But when I hinted at needing more space recently, she got quiet and distant, and I immediately felt guilty.

I really value this friendship, but I’m just tired. How do I express that I need room to breathe without making Julia feel like she’s a burden or like I’m abandoning her? — Tapped Out in Tallahassee

Dear Tapped Out: Your compassion is a beautiful quality, but it sounds like it’s being taken for granted. Friendship is a two-way street, and if it feels like you’re always the one giving without receiving, something isn’t right.

If she’s not taking hints, you’re going to have to tell her how you feel. Since you are by nature a people pleaser, this might raise some feelings of guilt. Remember that it’s not selfish to set boundaries; it’s essential if you want to preserve this friendship.

Dear Annie: About seven years ago, my husband — now 45 — woke up from an almost two-day nap, and it was as if he had become a different person overnight.

He’s mean and suddenly blames me for everything. He lies to me and everyone constantly about the smallest things. He talks to other women online like he’s single and claims he is. He won’t take accountability for anything. When I confront him, he says he’s not doing anything wrong and tries to make me take the blame or says that I’m crazy, lying or making things up. Even if I have proof of something, he’ll deny it.

He’s become secretive, selfish and sneaky. Calling him controlling is an understatement, and that’s just the beginning. He refuses to see a doctor and won’t even consider that something might be wrong. It’s been years, and I know this isn’t a temporary issue or the result of an infection or injury. I don’t know what to do, and I need help. I miss my husband. — Living With a Stranger

Dear Living With a Stranger: What you described isn’t just difficult to live with as a partner, it’s also deeply concerning. A sudden, drastic change like this almost certainly points to something medical or psychological, even if you can’t see it.  Something had to have happened deeper down. I still believe a doctor’s opinion is crucial. If he refuses to get on board, look into options where a provider could come to your home.

That said, you must also make protecting yourself a priority. You’re dealing with someone who repeatedly lies, manipulates, deflects and gaslights you, all classic signs of emotional abuse. A good therapist can help you feel seen and supported, and guide you toward next steps, whether that’s helping him out of this funk or moving forward alone. Domestic abuse hotlines and support groups are also great resources, even if he’s never been physically violent. His volatility and unpredictability sound scary and exhausting. Seek the support you need to feel safe.

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.