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When a good relationship still doesn’t feel right

Dear Annie: I’m 28 and have been dating my boyfriend, “Marcus,” for a little over a year. He’s kind, funny, responsible — and everyone in my life seems to adore him. The problem is, I don’t think I’m in love with him.

I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s just a rough patch or if I’m forcing something that’s not there. There’s no big issue; he treats me well, we rarely argue, and on paper, it looks like we’re a perfect match. But I find myself feeling distant and uninterested when we’re together. I dread having serious talks with him because I know he’s much more invested than I am.

I’ve stayed because I keep thinking maybe those deeper feelings will grow, or maybe I’m just being too picky. I’ve even wondered if I’m just scared to leave something good without a “real” reason. But is the absence of love reason enough?

How do I know if it’s worth holding on — or if it’s kinder to let go? — Feeling Unsure in Charlotte

Dear Unsure: You don’t need a “reason” to choose yourself, and you should never pick a partner based on other people’s criteria.

That said, have you fully opened your heart to Marcus? Have you created opportunities and initiated conversations that allow you to get to know each other on a deeper level?

If the answer is yes and you still feel consistently distant and uninterested when you spend time with him, then you already have your answer. A loveless relationship is not one worth being in.

Dear Annie: I’m struggling with the end of a friendship that has meant the world to me for most of my life. My best friend of 25 years recently got married to someone she’s only known for a few months. I was surprised by how quickly things moved, but I respected her decision and was genuinely happy for her. During one of our last meaningful conversations, she assured me she would let me know when they picked a wedding date because she wanted me to be there.

A few weeks later, I accidentally discovered that not only had a date been set, but there was also a wedding website clearly showing the event was planned and confirmed. I wasn’t invited. When I brought it up gently, she flat-out denied that anything had been finalized.

I felt hurt, confused and dismissed. I’ve tried to understand her side, but the dishonesty and secrecy feel like a betrayal. After everything we’ve shared over the past two and a half decades, being excluded from such a major life event and then lied to about it feels like the final straw.

I’m torn between mourning the friendship and wondering if I’m overreacting. Is there any coming back from this kind of hurt? Or is it time to accept that our relationship is over? — Left Behind

Dear Left Behind: You’re not overreacting. A friendship this long comes with the natural expectation of being present for major milestones, especially a wedding. Being excluded hurts enough, but for your friend to then deny what you discovered feels like more salt in the wound.

You’re allowed to feel hurt about this, but your friendship doesn’t have to end unless you want it to. Take the time and distance you need, and reach back out to her if or when the time feels right. To truly move past this, be honest about how deeply this hurt you while also being prepared that she might not give you the answers or the clarity you’re looking for, considering how things played out the first time.

It’s also worth noting an interesting pattern; your friend married a man she’s only known for a few months, didn’t invite you to her wedding and failed to own up to her actions, betraying you after a decades-long friendship. I might be mistaking horses for zebras. Either way, those are certainly red flags.

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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