Annie Lane

Dear Annie: After 45 years of marriage to a man who has no hobbies, no real friends of his own and little interest in life outside of his routine, I’m struggling with a mix of guilt, resentment and sadness.

For decades, I lived under his controlling ways — so much so that when I finally started doing things for myself, I felt guilty for not “checking in.” I know that guilt is a result of years of being managed and silenced. He never saw it as control; for him, this dynamic was just “normal.”

I used to fear he’d leave, since he threatened it so often. One day, I called his bluff and told him he was free to go — just don’t forget to grab a bag and explain it to the kids.

Now he’ll sometimes ask me why we’re even married. I used to try to answer. Lately, I just say, “Probably because the kids won’t take you in.”

Despite all this, I do love him. But I resent that I let myself be diminished for so long. I grew up in a time when women were expected to keep the home, raise the kids and serve their husbands without complaint. My happiness was always secondary to everyone else’s.

My friends and I often say: If we outlive our husbands, we might finally get to enjoy life. But if they outlive us, they’ll just go out and find someone new to take care of them.

Is it too late to reclaim some joy for myself? — Married a Stick in the Mud

Dear Married to Stick in the Mud: It is never too late to reclaim joy or to live life the way you want to live it. Just the fact that you wrote this letter tells me something important — you’re ready. Maybe more ready than you’ve ever been.

You’ve spent so many years putting others first. Now it’s your turn. Start by doing one small thing each day just for you. It could be something as simple as taking a walk, listening to music you love, reconnecting with an old friend or trying a new hobby. These aren’t selfish acts. They’re how you begin to rebuild a life that you love.

If the years of being silenced and managed have taken a toll on your sense of self, consider talking with a therapist who specializes in women’s life transitions or emotional abuse. You might also look into support groups for women rediscovering themselves later in life. There’s real power in knowing you’re not alone.

You’ve carried the weight for so long. You deserve a life that feels light and free.

Dear Annie: For years, I worked nights as a police and fire dispatcher while raising two school-age children. After getting off at 7 a.m., I would get home around 7:30, take care of a few things and be in bed by 8:30. That gave me just enough time to sleep before picking up the kids at 3 p.m., unless my cousin called.

He had a habit of calling me around 10:30 or 11 in the morning, waking me up right in the middle of what was, for me, the equivalent of the middle of the night. I would ask if it was an emergency, and he would get defensive, saying I should be happy he was checking on family. According to him, I should be grateful. So, one day, I decided to take his logic for a spin.

While working a night shift, I waited until around 2 a.m., what I figured would be the middle of his night’s sleep, and gave him a call. When he answered, sounding alarmed, I said cheerfully, “Nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to see how you’re doing. You should be glad I called. After all, we are family.”

There was a long pause. Then he said, “OK. I get it. No more non-emergency calls during your night.”

What surprises me most is that he used to work nights himself as an EMT and paramedic. Of all people, I thought he would understand.

I love your column and just wanted to share this little story in case you ever want to use it, or to ask, why is it so hard for people to respect the sleep schedules of night shift workers? — Tired But Tactical

Dear Tired: Sometimes the best lessons are the ones we deliver with a little humor and perfect timing. Well done. And you are right; respecting a night shift worker’s sleep should be common sense, especially for someone who has been there.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.