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Friend’s insecurity, jealousy straining relationship

Dear Annie: I have a friend who I have known for many years, and suddenly I have noticed that she is getting possessive with me. She just wants to see me alone, and she questions whether or not I’m seeing other friends when I can’t see her at a certain time. She makes comments about how popular I am and makes sarcastic comments about friends liking me better.

I know she is insecure, but this subject is difficult to approach with her.

She says that’s the way she is, and that’s that. She has friends but seems to depend on me a lot. I’m at my wit’s end. How should I handle this? — Torn and Frustrated

Dear Torn and Frustrated: A friend is someone who wishes you well — someone who wants to see you grow and is there for you during the good times and bad. The “friend” described in your letter is missing those qualities. In fact, she sounds like someone who does not want to see you shine or to be popular, so she can keep you all to herself.

She is obviously very insecure. But the real question is whether you should allow her insecurity and jealousy to weigh you down. Have a forthright conversation with her about how you feel. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are allowed to have other friends besides her, though that doesn’t mean that you like her any less. In fact, you will probably like and respect her more as a friend if she gives you freedom.

It does sound like you care about her, so remember to come from a place of love and compassion when you approach her. If she becomes defensive, perhaps now is the time to give her space. Instead, tell her that when she is ready to not be so possessive and jealous, you will be ready to be her friend.

Dear Readers: A great number of you wrote in about the possibility of a medical condition, particularly sleep apnea, as a reason for intense snoring. Below are some of those letters, which I found interesting and educational.

Dear Annie: I am responding to “Restless Nights,” regarding her mom’s snoring. I, too, snored very loudly, and my family made many remarks about it. I had a sleep study done and have been diagnosed with sleep apnea. I now use a CPAP machine, and I no longer snore. I also didn’t realize how little sleep I was getting before I got my machine. “Restless Nights” should encourage her mom to talk to her doctor to see if she needs to have a sleep study done. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. — No More Restless Nights

Dear Annie: Believe me, a snoring roommate can put a real crimp in a vacation. Years ago, a former vacation roommate wrote to tell me she’d discovered she had sleep apnea. She apologized for not knowing how disruptive her snoring was to others. Treatment was important for her because apnea can harm physical health.

When I was young, I did not have sleep apnea. However, a few years ago I was having sleep issues and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. The newest CPAP machines that are used to treat sleep apnea are so quiet that peaceful sleep is possible for all who share a bedroom. — Peaceful Sleeper

Dear Annie: I read your response to “Restless Nights” and totally agree with your advice regarding the writer’s guilt issues. I was surprised, however, that you failed to mention the strong possibility that the mom’s snoring could be related to sleep apnea, which, in some cases, can have serious side effects. Given the apparent severity of her symptoms, I would, as a retired physician, strongly recommend that she have this investigated. — A Medical Doctor

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“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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