FLINT - I've always wanted to be a war correspondent, so after Alabama Congressman Mo Brooks declared that Democrats are waging a "war on whites" I grabbed my notepad and headed to the front lines.
"So what's the situation?" I said to a general in the Republican Army manning a sandbagged foxhole with a handful of troops outside of a suburban Starbucks.
"Things are pretty grim," he said, peering over the edge with binoculars. "The enemy is advancing on all fronts. They've overrun the country club, the stock broker's office and the Zumba studio down on Maple. It's only a matter of time before we're next."
"But I don't see anybody other than ordinary-looking people coming in for overpriced coffee drinks."
"Exactly! And that's what makes this war so difficult. It's hard to tell friend from foe."
Peering over the foxhole again, I still didn't see anyone who looked like a marauding liberal.
"Are you sure Democrats are at war against white people?" I said.
The general looked at me as if I was crazy. "Am I sure? Boy, everything they do screams 'I hate whitey!'"
"But many Democrats ARE white."
"Ah, but not the right kind of white."
"By which you mean?"
"That makes no sense."
"Yes, it does. As Congressman Brooks said, Democrats are trying to convince everyone that white people in general hate minorities."
"Why in the world would they do that?"
"Because the Republican Party is much whiter than the Democratic Party."
"That's true, but so?"
"So minorities will hate us most of all because they think we hate them."
"And do you?"
"Not at all! We love our fellow man, no matter his color, creed or complete lack of white Anglo-Saxon Protestant beliefs -just as long as they don't try to ruin our cherished way of life."
"Where old, rich white guys run everything and everybody else just shuts up about it, like God intended."
"That's what God intended?"
"Well, God and Ronald Reagan, God rest his soul."
"So, to summarize, you believe Democrats, using minorities as a wedge, are waging a war on the white establishment in order to further their own selfish political aims, which include trying to help others enjoy the American dream?"
"Exactly," he said. "And if everybody would just accept the status quo and stop asking for a piece of our pie, then we could end this ugly war and all go home."
"And if they don't?"
"Well, then," he said with a steely look in his eye, "they'll get my tall, skinny, mocha Frappuccino when they pry it from my cold, dead hands."
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Write to Andrew Heller at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Facebook and Twitter.