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Non-traditional trick-or-treaters

October 31, 2012
By Andy Heller , Daily Press

FLINT - Halloween 2012

Ding, dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

Article Photos

Andy Heller

"Why, it's an entire baseball team."

"Not just any baseball team, lady. We're the Detroit Tigers."

"So you are. They're lovely costumes, but it's Halloween. The Detroit Tigers certainly aren't going to scare anyone, young man."

"That's not true, lady. We scared our fans half to death during the World Series. Baseball analysts, too. Now give us some candy or we'll smash your pumpkins with our Louisville Sluggers."

"Silly boys, I saw the series, too - you'd swing and miss. But here's some candy anyway. Do see the eye doctor, won't you?"

Ding, dong ...

Trick or treat!"

"Oh my, what do have here - one, two, three, four, five - why, a whole pack of hobos and bums, how charming!"

"We ain't bums, lady. We're the 47 percent of Americans Mitt Romney warned everyone about. See, those two are senior citizens on Medicare, they're welfare moms receiving food stamps and I'm a mid-50s guy who lost his career and can't find work so he's on unemployment. Booooo!"

"Booo? But you're not scary in the slightest."

"We are to Tea Partyers. Now give with the candy. We feel entitled to it."

Ding, dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

"Well, what do we have here - parents? And without costumes, too."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Oh dear, are your children sick and you're collecting candy for them?"

"Not exactly. We have two kids in college so we're collecting candy for us - so we can eat. Got anything with peanuts? We'll take apples, too, if you have them."

Ding, dong ...

Trick or treat!

"My, my, that's a very realistic Barack Obama mask you have there, young man."

"It's not a mask, ma'am. I'm really Barack Obama, and I need your vote next week. My poll numbers are down and Michigan's gonna be pretty close."

Ding, dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

"Hmm, older gentleman, business suit, spray tan and blindingly white teeth. What is it you're supposed to be, son - a fashion model for AARP?"

"I'm Mitt Romney, ma'am. And it's not a costume. I'm following the president around the neighborhood. Listen, you didn't give him candy, did you?"

"Why, yes ..."

"Because he's just going to share it with other children - children who are too lazy to go get their own candy."

"Possibly, but sharing is nice ..."

"It's socialism, ma'am. And if you give him one piece, do you know what he'll want? A second, then a third, and pretty soon you'll be running a severe candy deficit. Is that what you want? Is it? Because if not, you should vote me. Gotta run. Bye."

"Lord, I hate election years."

- - -


EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at You can e-mail him at



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