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This is what’s really frightening

October 31, 2011
Andy Heller , Daily Press

FLINT - Halloween 2011

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat!"

Article Photos

Andy Heller

"Dear me, what frightening costumes this year. Let's see, we have a ghost, an action hero, a skeleton and what appears to be a dripping wet house. Is it raining out, dear, your costume is drenched and sagging?"

"No, lady, I'm an underwater house with a mortgage higher than it's worth. Just like yours. And your neighbor's. And their neighbor's. And their neighbor's, and "

"Thanks, I get the picture. Move along."

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat!"

"Oh, what a cute costume. Here you go, sonny."

"That's it? One lousy snack-size candy bar? Pathetic."

"Why, I never! Your behavior is deplorable, young man!"

"What's deplorable are your Halloween decorating skills. A pumpkin, cotton spider webs and some corn stalks? I mean, really, darling, are you sure you're not blind?"

"Why you wait, I get it. Tight white T-shirt, jeans, overbearing attitude, weird hair. You're "

"Simon Cowell, of course. Now be a love and tell me where you keep the good candy."

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat!"

"I must say this is a most unusual costume. You appear to be a giant piece of paper."

"Not just a giant piece of paper, lady a giant piece of paper with a red jagged line trending ever downward from left to right."

"I fail to see how that's scary."

"Oh yeah? You'll think I'm scary when you open me next month. I'm your 401k statement. Boo!"

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat!"

"Goodness gracious, this has been an unusual year for costumes. Let's see, three boys, one girl, all dressed in nearly identical power suits. Are you Wall Street executives?"

Child 1: "Close, lady. See if this helps: Execute all criminals!"

Child 2: "Eat more pizza!"

Child 3: "Just because I have crazy eyes does not mean I'm crazy!"

Child 4: "If sick people can't pay, they should die, die, die! Wheee!"

"Ah, I see. You're Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachman and Ron Paul. Now go away, you're scaring me. And the rest of the nation."

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat!"

"My, my, even more children in business suits. This certainly is the year for that. So what are you kids supposed to be?"

"Can't you tell? We're dressed in Armani suits and holding guns. Stick 'em up and give us all your money."


"No, lady, we're bankers."

"But bankers don't carry guns."

"Might as well."

Ding, dong!

"Trick or treat."

"What's this? You're adults, what are you doing trick or treating? Have you no pride?"

"No, lady, we have no food. We've been unemployed for two years now and our unemployment has run out. Can you spare some candy, especially something with peanuts? We need the protein. We're starving."

"Here, take the whole bowl."


EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at You can e-mail him at



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