FLINT - It's time for Part II of my utterly silly (and possibly accurate) look at the coming year. So repeat after me, "I see London, I see France, I see the second half of 2011!" (If you missed Part I, first of all, shame on you. Second, you can find it online at http:blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller.)
Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder's popularity soars after he signs an executive order requiring lawmakers to sell plasma in order to trim the state's $2 billion deficit. Says Snyder: "Hey, they spent us into a hole, they can darn well get us out of it."
After the TSA announces full body cavity searches for all air passengers, airports become ghost towns and the last remaining domestic carrier, Southwest, closes its doors. Says a TSA spokesman: "There. In-flight terror problem solved."
The wedding of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 84, to 24-year-old Crystal Harris is canceled after every single person in the congregation, including Harris, screams "Me!" when the preacher asks if anyone objects.
Tiger Woods suddenly wins three tournaments in a row. Reporters ask him what led to the remarkable turnaround. "Easy," says the golfing legend. "I went back to catting around with porn stars and getting no sleep. I mean, what the heck, it worked before."
Watergate legends Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein take on the ultimate investigative journalism project - trying to figure out what exactly the Kardashians - of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" fame - are famous for. After a six-month investigation, a glum Woodward announces their findings: "Beats us."
The Tea Party hires the advertising agency behind the Geico gecko ads to soften its angry image. The agency hires Barney the purple dinosaur to star in a series of TV spots, singing a slightly altered version of his trademark song "I love you, you love me, but no one loves those $#@! socialists."
Congress passes an instantly popular law that allows people to "smack the snot out of" literally, it says it just like that in the legislation - out of people who talk on Bluetooth devices while walking around.
During a Major League Soccer match in Los Angeles, a fan dies after the vuvuzela he had been blowing throughout the match is shoved down his throat by the exasperated fan in front of him. It is ruled justifiable homicide.
Based on the success of last year's fat-laden Double Down sandwich - which consisted of two fried slabs of chicken wrapped around cheese and bacon - KFC releases the Double Double Down, which consists of two Double Downs surrounding a Double Down. Each sandwich comes with its own defibrillator.
Congress passes another resoundingly popular law - this time allowing people to "smack some living sense into" people who incessantly send you Farmville requests on Facebook.
After a long courtship, basketball superstar LeBron James makes it official by marrying his ego. "I love me so much it just made sense," he says. "We'll be very happy together."
Michigan's Native American tribes dispense with all pretence and start erecting casinos in each and every subdivision throughout the state. Says a tribal spokesman, "Hey, it was gonna happen sooner or later anyway."
"Two and a Half Men" returns to the air despite Charlie Sheen's ongoing private life issues with prostitutes and drug addiction. After family consumer groups complain, a CBS spokeswoman explains the decision by saying, "Have you seen the show? His real life is nothing compared to that. I mean, c'mon."
The George W. Bush presidential library officially opens in Texas.
The library shuts down a week later after someone steals the book. (Author's note: An old joke, yes, but still a good one. And in this case an apt one.)
A new Gallup poll shows near universal support for a bill that would make it highly illegal for waitresses and waiters to call customers "hon" or "you guys."
The Detroit Lions finish the regular season with a perfect 16-0 record, causing an epidemic of flying pigs, which bury the state with their droppings. "Damn Lions," say car owners everywhere.
Lured to the same set by a promise of a multi-million contract, media loudmouths Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and everyone on the CNN roundtable are bound, gagged and shipped to man-eating tribes in the jungles of South America, never to be seen again. A spirit of cooperation and compromise descends upon America. Says President Barack Obama, "We should have done this years ago." A grateful nation agrees.
Obama formally announces his candidacy for a second term in 2012. This time his campaign theme is not as snappy or upbeat, but a bit more realistic: "Change you can believe in if the Republicans let me. And if the Democrats in Congress can locate their spine. And if I don't alienate everyone by being aloof and uncommunicative."
Sarah Palin formally announces that she will seek the Republican nomination for president in 2012.
Democrats nationwide weep for joy.
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller. You can e-mail him at email@example.com.