Bill Schuette, marching bands and pumpkn spice

TRAVERSE CITY — Bill Schuette, your wanna-be next governor, recently signed onto a court filing that calls climate change “unsettled science.” And props to him: he’s right. To date, only 97 percent of the world’s climate scientists say climate change is real, is damaging the planet, and humans are to blame. Which means a whopping 3 percent (I was always good at math) disagree. And he’s siding with them. That’s the kind of enlightened, independent and odds-challenged leadership Michigan has always needed, don’t you think?

– You detected that I was being sarcastic, right? I’ve always thought there should be a sarcasm font. Maybe I’ll invent one and go on “Shark Tank.”

– BTW: Hey, Bill, about 3 percent of the population doesn’t believe pizza is good either. And the world? Flat as a pancake. Please use these examples in your next stump speech.

– I’m starting to worry about Ford. Too much smoke in the news lately. And where’s there’s smoke, there are usually layoffs.

– A school board member in the Upper Peninsula village of L’Anse is in the news for ordering female marching band members to wear bras. I have a feeling she’s going to regret that. Haven’t we reached a point yet where we leave people the heck alone about how they dress and look? Apparently the body-shaming movement hasn’t made it that far north yet.

– Why is it the older I get, the more I like marching band halftime shows, despite the truly dreadful arrangements of pop tunes the kids are usually forced to play? (Marching bands should always play classical or marching tunes. Maybe old TV theme songs. But never pop or hip-hop. No one needs Uptown Funk played with tubas and kettle drums.)

– Beware: We have officially entered pumpkin spice season. I can’t wait to see what gets the pumpkin spice treatment this year. I’m guessing deodorant. Or maybe spray butter. Or shoelaces. Or hex wrenches. (You think I kid? I do not. Nothing is safe from the pumpkin spicers. In fact, this column is infused with pumpkin spice scent. You like?)

– Also, why does everything these days have to have a “hack”? Are we really doing that many things the hard or wrong way? Are we really that dumb? I’m particularly annoyed with all the Facebook videos telling me that my whole life I’ve never once cut, chopped or peeled a single vegetable or fruit correctly.

– I’ve taken nothing but the stairs at work for six months and I’m happy to report that I’m still winded each and every time. What the heck, body?

– Some people are so mad at Nike for its new Colin Kaepernick ad that they’re cutting the Nike swoosh out of their Nike socks. I wouldn’t do that. It’d ruin the socks, wouldn’t it? And if so, why not just throw them away? Personally, I’d prefer athletic clothing without logos. I don’t buy Nike socks or shoes because they’re Nike socks or shoes. I buy them if they fit and look OK. I’ve always been against turning myself into a walking billboard for companies to sell more stuff.

“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.”– G. K. Chesterton

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him via email at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com.

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